only reminds me of you… September 20, 2011

What hurts the most… April 10, 2011

I haven’t slept at all in days
It’s been so long since we’ve talked
And I have been here many times
I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong
What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there
There’s only so much I can take And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don’t try and I don’t hope What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there No more waiting, No more aching
No more fighting, No more trying
Maybe there’s nothing more to say
And in a funny way I’m calm Because the power is not mine I’m just gonna let it fly
What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

Love me….

From Heaven with Love October 6, 2010

Jamie,

I was with your dad earlier. Funny how he knew me even before I got up here. and guess what? We were just talking about you. But you know what, he’s sad of what you’ve become lately, but found comfort in knowing how you’ve been pickin’ up. It’s a happy place here. This place is just so perfect that I’m lovin’ the idea that I no longer have to show up for work and report to my hellish boss every single work night. We’re all wearing white. Down there you might find it so bland, but here, it’s peaceful and quiet and colorful. I even spent my birthday here with your dad and Lola and all the others. I was so happy. I want to wish you were here, but I can’t. You just can’t.

Over the weekend I saw tears welling up your eyes again. I know it’s been hard and painful for you but you just have to accept the reality that I am now with Him. It’s been a year though, but you never have to worry because I’m just right beside you. I can hear you when you talk to me in your alone moments. I even watch over you while you sleep during the day. In fact, I was watching over you and my family before my Lola met me here. But now she’s taking over my task of watching over Mama and Papa. I visit them once in a while, but it’s you that I’m more concerned about. You’re still the same stubborn Jamie that I knew. Mama told you not to cry that much anymore, for justice has begun for me, but I still see buckets of tears coming out.

I visited Mama in her dream one night, and I told her about us. I asked her to take care of you for me, just the same way you asked your dad to watch over me up here. Sometimes she gets so worried when you don’t take her calls or even send a single message. Please don’t stress her so much dear. Mama loves you so much, and you were someone she would’ve liked for me.

Most of all, I’m happy that you’re now doing ok that you’re surrounded by a bunch of  happy bastards. That gives a smile to my face. Take care of yourself as you always do. Don’t even worry about your dad coz he’s doing ok, way way better than when I saw him during his wake. Love your work as you always did before. Trust me, it will love you back. I’m glad that you were able to find me in one of your mentors, so treat him the same way you did with me, but please, don’t fall for him too.

Lastly, I want to ask you a little favor. Coz I’d like you to take a chance on Jerry. Please try to open your heart to him, just like how you opened your heart to me. He loves you so much that he’s coming back for you. He probably might be so clueless about who I am to you,  but I am now giving your heart back so you can give it to someone like Jerry, alive and physically present. By the way, I broke your heart, so I’m sorry for the patches. It’s still whole, but yeah, patches.

I’ll see you here when it’s time for us to meet. Again.

From heaven with love,

Anton

PS. I’m sending you a postcard. Hope you’ll like it. ♥

nostalgia June 4, 2010

“These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away…”

This month begins with nostalgia in my damn cold eyes. Start with something unimaginable. Silence. It’s deafening. It’s not me. Not so me.. I’m not used to living in silence. Not ever. Only now. I need to hide the pain. I find refuge in sleeping. I love sleep, really. Coz my life tends to fall apart when I’m awake.

My life begins when I close my eyes.

Of Love and Metaphysics June 4, 2010

ED501. 10-12.

Naalala ko pa na isa ito sa mga subject ko sa SPED M.A. ko.

Pengeng tissue. Nagnonosebleed ako.

Akala ko nuon, ako lang ang may powers magpadugo ng ilong dahil sa mga mala-Sossy Inday kong terminolohiya. (Hifaluten in short.) Pootik. Nakalimutan kong English major ako. Na nag-M.A. ng SPED. After ng MA, MS naman. This time, Clinical Psych.  Never kong naging teritoryo ang Philo.

Plato & Aristotle

Metaphysics ang topic ng reporter. As usual, attentive kuno ang drama ko. Sus, oo na. Dahil kung hindi, it will defeat the purpose of going to school. (Oww kamonn!!!) Metaphysics daw ay study of existence, at questions about reality. Kung may reality ba o wala, o kung totoo ba ang lahat ng nangyayari sa mundong ibabaw. What is time and what is space. In fairness, metaphysics, beyond knowledge nga. Di talaga maarok ng utak ko. Feeling ko pumutok ang lahat ng brain cells ko. Tendency nun, internal hemorrhage. (Hindi talaga ganun un pero theory ko un so walang pakelamanan.)

So i took a breather.

Nagtext kuno ang lola mo.

Pero may isang statement si Miss Reporter na nakakuha ng atensiyon ko.

“In one simple question, there can be a lot of possible answers, depending on one’s point of view.”

Angas…parang love lang ah.

Konek.Konek.Konek.

Bluetooth on.

Sa love kasi, hindi lang iisa ang sagot sa isang emotion.

Parang ngayon. Ang million-dollar question ay “What is love?”

Possible Answers:

1. Sabi ng Wikipedia, It can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or an emotional state.
2. Kung hopeless romantic ka, siguro it wud just refer to interpersonal love.
3. At kung artist ka naman, pwedeng ito ung most common theme ng mga obra mo.

Pero iba ang magiging sagot ko dito.

Ito ung state na kung saan nadiskubre ko ang mga kahinaan ko, nailabas ang mga emosyong matagal na naitago, at lalong dito ko nalaman na hindi lahat ng bagay sa mundo posible. Hindi lahat makukuha mo.

Ito yung mother of all emotions. Kung galit ang laman ng puso mo, siguro katingot lang nito ang makakatunaw sa poot na bumabalot sa pagkatao mo. Parang tubig na Universal Solvent.

Ito ang matatawag na metaphysics ko. Dito ko natutunan na itanong sa sarili ko ang purpose ng existence ko, kung talaga bang nakalaan ako para sa iisang tao, kung tama ba ang kasabihang ibibigay lang ako ng Diyos sa taong karapat-dapat mag-claim sa akin, ang realidad na tao lang ako at pedeng masaktan at magkamali. Dito ko natutunan ang esensya ng panahon, na hindi ito nasusukat, basta matuto ka lang mahintay. At higit sa lahat, ang Free Will na nagbibigay ng kalayaan mong pumili ng alam mong makakabuti para sa iyo at para sa kanya.

Nakakonek ka ba? O napadugo ko rin ang ilong mo?

Haha.

Sa ganitong paraan ko naabsorb ang topic.

Na-absorb din ng tissue ang dugo mula sa ilong ko.

bittersweet. just like dark chocolate. June 4, 2010

Haven’t blogged for quite some time. Havin’ a toxic and full schedule busies me lately and a music player’s my bestest friend during these tough days. I came across this song which left me feeling so weak in my idlest moment.

“I never asked for this feeling
I never thought I would fall
I never knew how I felt till the day you were gone
I was lost
I never asked for red roses
I wasn’t looking for love
some how I let my emotions take hold
And guess what?
All at once
I’m in love”

I was thinking of just one “you” at that point. I never knew why I’m like this.Can’t even imagine. All I wanna do at that moment is to yell and blurt out “Pucha!! Nananahimik ako sa mundo ko dumating-dating ka pa!!” “You” were someone who deviates from my so-called standards. Someone who’s not worth an inch of my deepest fantasies. Yet, here I was. I fell. ”You” got me nailed at one point.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I just don’t like this feeling. I’m not used to this. I wanted to stay away from “you” coz I know it’s the right thing to do. All I wanted was a little space and some time to think it over. In time, I guess, I’ll be over this. I wanted to assess my feelings, and I’ll let “you” know if it’s already settled.

I’m having a psy-war, just so “you” know. And I want “you” to understand that I’m fightin over it. But it came to a point when I woke up one morning realizing that I’ve loved you already and that was when I knew I lost the battle.

But I miss “you”. I miss everything about “you”- your voice, your contagious laugh, your eyes. I know I can’t have “you” just as I wanted. But now, I’m fully content that “you” are here. In silence I could still feel your presence, and that’s something that keeps me holding on. “You” are still my friend, and I’m ok with that. But I still long for “you”, believe me. Though I know you’re not even thinking a bit of me.

“I miss you so much
I long for your love
It scares me
‘Cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can’t even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby, why aren’t you missing me?”
Please remind me never to think about you again.

Metamorposis June 4, 2010

Kamusta ka na? nakakatuwa. noon, ika’y isang maliit na kapugto lamang ng aking katawan, ngayon, isa ka nang supot-uod.

Oo, at iyon ay dahil sa iyong pag-aaruga, lagyalay*. bakit kailangan mong maging sanga na lamang? Ayaw mo bang magkaroon ng mga supang?

Hindi ko kailangan ng mga supang. Ang kailangan ay magkaroon ako ng maraming dahon.

Pero bakit lagyalay?

Dahil kailangan mong mabuhay. Sa mga susunod na mga araw, ikaw ay magiging higad. Kailangan mo ang aking mga dahon upang iyong makain.

Ngunit mamamatay ka kapag kinain ko ang iyong mga dahon! May sarili kang buhay. Kailangan  mong yumabong.

Narito ako para tulungan kang mabuhay.

Hindi kita maintidihan, kaibigan.

Sa aking pagtanda, hindi ko na hinahangad ang mas magandang buhay. Kumpleto na ako. Noo’y naranasan ko na ang magkaroon ng maraming supang. Ng maraming bunga. Ngunit ano bang ginagawa sa akin? Binabato ako. Pinuputulan ng supang para hindi lumago. Akala ko noo’y wala na akong silbi hanggang sa bigla kang tumubo sa akin. Naniwala kang may magagawa ako para iyo. Kaya’t heto ako ngayon. Tutulungan kita para mabuhay. At bago mo mapansin iyon ay isa ka nang ganap na paru-paro, may magandang pakpak, may magandang buhay. Nakalilipad sa halamanan.

Ngunit paano ka lagyalay?

Maaari mang sa paglipas ng mga araw ay mabulok ako, ngunit sa aking pagkagapok ay naroon ang aking kasiyahang mahulog at mabaon sa lupa at maging pataba. Naroon ang saysay ng kwento ng buhay ko. Tandaan mo na hindi isasaalaala ng iyong mga maiiwan kung anong iyong naging kaanyuan, ngunit palagi nilang isasaisip ang iyong mga nagawa para sa iba.

*Sa pagdaan ng ilang araw

Bumuka na ang magaganda mong mga pakpak, uod. Humayo ka at lumipad sa halamanan. Ayoko mang isipin na pakakawalan na kita, ngunit iyon ang dapat. At iyon ang matagal mo nang gusto, hindi ba? Masaya ako’t magiging mabisa kang instrumento sa pagpaparami ng mga bulaklak sa hardin. Sana’y gawin mo rin ang nararapat para saiyo at para sa iyong kapwa. Sa muli nating pagkikita, kaibigang paru-paro.

Di ko man gusto ang iwan ka lagyalay, ngunit iyon ang nakatakda, at iyon ang dapat. Hayaan mo’t gagamitin ko ang lahat ng aking mga natutunan mula sa iyo. Kung hindi dahil sa pag-aaruga mo’y hindi ako magiging ganito.

*Sa paglipas ng panaho’y nagsimulang mabulok ang lagyalay. Unti-unting natiklap ang kanyang banakal hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang mahulog sa lupa. Ngunit sa kanyang libinga’y tumubo ang isang bulaklak na patuloy na inaaruga ni paru-paro sa pamamagitan ng pagsipsip sa nektar nito. ginagawa nya ito upang maglipat ng polen upang maging buto. Mahuhulog ito sa lupa at balang araw ay magiging isang ganap na puno.

Almost January 1, 2010

I lay on a mat on Mom’s little garden as I watched the moon shine its brightest. I stared at the sky like an idiot, and I could tell that tomorrow’s gonna be a clear day. Stars were clearly visible as they gather into different shapes. I closed my eyes, my thoughts wandered into an ocean of not-so-distant memories.

 

Today is the first of January, and that marks another leaf in my book. As I contemplated on things, I realized I miss being happy. I miss the times I shared with someone I cared for the most. The last two quarters of last year was mostly spent on soliloquy and reminiscing, finding myself pulling out memories, recall significant dates and incidents of the past when I almost had him. It’s hard being left behind, especially if he’s gone somewhere I cannot follow. I miss him. I miss myself. Most of all, I miss the love that was almost there.

09.14.09, 6:08pm MNL September 14, 2009

 

i’m so tired of being here

suppressed by all my childish fears

and if you have to leave

i wish that you’d just leave

coz your presence still lingers here

and it won’t leave me alone

these wounds won’t seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there’s just too much that time can not erase

when you cried i wiped away all of your tears

when you scream i’d fight away all of your fears

and i held your hands through all of these years

but you still held on me..

you used to captivate me by your resonating life

now i’m bound by the life you left behind

your face is once my once my once pleasant dream

your voice it takes away all the sanity in me

these wounds won’t seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there’s just too much that time can not erase

when you cried i wiped away all of your tears

when you scream i’d fight away all of your fears

and i held your hands through all of these years

but you still held on me..

i tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone

but though you’re still with me

i’ve been alone all along..

Come in We’re Open! September 3, 2009

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